Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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