Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
