I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
