I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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