sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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