I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i will never coherently bang her
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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