I only kidnapped one of them. chill
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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