I met the friendliest cop last night
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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