pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
