Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
