This is not my ceiling
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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