I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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