He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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