is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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