Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
