id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
