accomplished twins. life is a go
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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