U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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