I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
