I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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