Umm I'm too high to move.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
