Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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