I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
