How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize