haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
