Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
