I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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