She's JV to your varsity
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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