Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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