im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
