is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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