I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Even my vagina gasped.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
