"it" just moved
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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