just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
