Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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