hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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