If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
