I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
