my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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