Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I stole a fireplace last night.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
