walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
