I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
