I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
