Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
