Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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