I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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