if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
