he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize