don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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