I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
