dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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