I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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