i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
