the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
