I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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