you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
