Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
