yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
