AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
