i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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