Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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