never play flip cup with pint glasses
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
