i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
