I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize