So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Randomize
