This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
