the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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