Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
