She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
