I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
